What Non-binary means to me.

By Deeply Indigo- July 8, 2024

Today kicks off the start of Non-Binary Awareness Week, so I thought it would be fun to delve into a bit of what it means to be non-binary. Whether you yourself identify as non-binary or are simply a curious soul, it’s important to have an understanding of the term, and what it means. In essence, non-binary is an umbrella term. It is used to describe anyone who falls beyond the traditional gender binary. This could mean being genderfluid, genderqueer, agender, and everything in between. The beauty of the term non-binary is that it can mean a vast number of gender identities, and has no fixed definition. No two non-binary people are the same. The differences in identities and stories that each of us has is what makes the term so inclusive and malleable to your own definition.

Growing up, I always felt bothered by the gender roles and definitions that had been decided by society. I would get upset when my parents told me dolls are for girls, or when they expected me to do yardwork and leave the cooking to the females. I was raised in a traditional Mexican household. The rules were simple, be the person your parents expect you to be, anything else is a betrayal. When I was thirteen, my parents found a letter I had written for a classmate. The contents of the letter described my feelings for a boy. I had committed the capital sin, I was gay. Over time, I had these lingering feelings of not feeling like a “true man”. I had fantasies of being female, and for a short period of time I considered myself to be transgender. I never spoke out about these thoughts, never revealed myself to anyone, instead I sat with these emotions and I let them build up. As the years passed, I felt myself continue to long for the feminine body, the stylish clothing, and the experience of being a woman.

When I arrived to Austin, free from my judgmental family, and the gossiping townspeople, I truly began my journey of discovering my true identity. I allowed myself to dress and act however I pleased. I painted my nails, did my makeup, wore skirts and flowing dresses, and I was happy. All was good, except for the isolation I found myself in. I found it quite difficult to make friends and acquaintances, and so I spent a lot of time on my own. For about two years, I spent most of every day in solitude- excluding work. This forced me to get to know myself, on a level I had never been able to. I wrote hundreds of diary entries and poems, recorded a dozen podcast episodes, and really delved into myself introspectively. I learned not to rely on people, but most importantly I learned not to crave validation. I dressed for me, I went out for me, and I did what I felt I needed.

Finally being liberated and allowing myself to be my most authentic self, is when I came into acceptance with being a non-binary individual. This entire time, spent in conflict with myself for not truly identifying with the gender binaries chosen by society had been in vain. I was neither a man, or woman. I was simply me. I was refusing to be contained by a single binary term, instead I was who I felt like being. And so it was like this that I truly found myself comfortable in my own skin, confident in who I am, and excited for what I may later become.

P.S. I have decided on a new name. From now on you can call me Indigo, my preferred and chosen name. And to all who identify outside of the gender norm, happy non-binary awareness week. <3

Hugs and Kisses,

Deeply Indigo