Too Masc, Too Fem, Just Perfectly Depressed

By Deeply Indigo- December 22, 2023

When I was a child, I would dream of one day moving out of the suburbs and into a big city. Like every other twink out there, I romanticized the idea of being independent and careless. In my fantasies, I moved to New York City and party every night. In reality, I moved to Austin, Texas, and spend most nights at home or the library. It turns out being an adult wasn't as glamorous as I had imagined. The reality of adulthood is that I'm always either working or studying... or asking my mom for money.

By all standards, my mental health has never been better. I've never been closer to the term 'happy'. I do what I want when I want it, even if that means doing it solo. I think there's this stigma against doing things on your own. It's seen as odd or weird to go to dinner alone or go watch a movie by yourself.

Lately, I've found myself scrolling through Grindr a lot more than usual. I must admit, I'm not entirely sure what i hope to find on the site. Ever since I started taking my anti-depressants- Welbutrin, in case you were wondering- I find it difficult to nut.

Grindr can be a very useful site if you're in the mood to get your dick sucked- or in the mood to suck. If you are searching for anything other than that, you may find it to be a tad bit toxic and dreary.

I have been a frequent user of the app for about three years now- I am eighteen years old, just to clarify. On many occasions I have hooked up with other users of the app and even made friends with some of them. In my very professional opinion, having a Grindr hookup is something of a gay rite of passage- I mean can you even call yourself a gay man if you've never gotten your dick sucked in a public bathroom by a twink?

I constantly find myself asking if this whole "wellness" journey is even valid. I mean yes I understand that a happy life starts with a healthy body, but how happy can your life be when you can't even nut? IDK, just some food for thought. Anyway, I find myself on Grindr a lot lately. Now, you might assume that since I'm always on Grindr, I hook up with guys often right? WRONG. It's actually pretty rare for me to hookup with a guy- and its not from a lack of interest, but rather a lack of attention. I honestly don't understand this situation. I look through my Grindr profile and I swear that I'm like the hottest guy on the app, but apparently nobody else seems to agree. I have tried my very best to interact with people on the app, but most of my messages don't receive replies and I very rarely find someone willing to be friends, much less a boyfriend/friends with benefits.

This has me pondering, if my shitty luck in the dating world is somehow my fault? Or am I simply playing out my destiny to live a lonely, unaccompanied, boring life, as so many gay men do. I guess I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Hugs and Kisses,

Deeply Indigo