Closing Cycles

By Deeply Indigo - June 26, 2023

In this very first blog post, Deeply Indigo retells the unfortunate events that lead to the creation of this blog. Congratulations, you are witnessing the birth of America's next biggest blogger- or something like that.

Heres a cute little selfie so we can get to know each other a bit better.

August 2022

I like to think of August 2023 as a sort of starting point in my life; the moment when the page flipped and changed the course of my story, although I suppose one could argue that the starting point should be when I graduated high school as a junior (not a senior) in May of that same year. I left home and moved into my college dorm in Austin, Texas on exactly August 15th, 2023. The majority of my adolescent life was filled with traumas and toxic relationships, both at home and among my "friends" and for as long as I can remember all I ever dreamed of was leaving my hometown, starting over, and never looking back. Now that I'm a bit older I look back and realize that I wasn't very original, or even realistic for that matter, apparently the majority of small-town residents daydream of big city lights and an escape from their lives back home. Nonetheless, I set off on my college journey and was determined to never return to Eagle Pass.

I was an incoming Freshman at the University of Texas at Austin, and by the end of the first week, I understood that I wasn't the smug genius I considered myself to be. Growing up in a small, south Texas suburb I was used to being the smartest person in the room. But now being at one of the top universities in the state surrounded by valedictorians and overachievers, I very quickly learned that I wasn't a smug genius, I was just smug- and eventually not even that. You see, back home I considered myself a social outcast- even though I was anything but that. People were constantly searching me out and wanting to be "friends" with me, as I was something of a hot topic back home. The point being that I never needed to put much effort into meeting people, as they would approach me on their own. However, in Austin, nobody knew who I was, and frankly, nobody seemed to care. It became apparent to me that if I wanted to meet people and make friends, I would have to put myself out there and actively seek people out- something that I never had to do before in my life. As you can imagine, I made little to no friends. I finished my first year of college with only one new friend, and while I do enjoy my alone time, I find myself wondering if I would be happier having more people in my life. Of course, this would require actually leaving my bed, so those thoughts quickly subside.

It seems I rambled on a bit about my anti-social tendencies, so allow me to continue the story. I had a difficult time making friends, so this forced me to venture off into the city on my own. I enjoyed mimosas at brunch, rooftop bars, trendy gay clubs (which usually resulted in one-night stands), and basically whatever I felt like doing. To my followers on Instagram, it seemed I was living my best life. But in reality, most of my days consisted of staying in bed all afternoon, chugging down Ensure (meal replacement drinks for old people), and absolutely avoiding school at all costs. Eventually, my careless leisure resulted in me being kicked out of school.

May 2023

After a year of playing pretend at college, I moved back into my parent's home. I told myself that this was only a temporary situation, while I figured out what I was going to do with my life (besides making TikToks and scrolling through Grindr) but as much as I wanted to form a plan and decide what my next move should be, I had no fucking idea what I was doing. My day-to-day seemed pretty much unchanged, staying in bed, not leaving the house, and avoiding responsibilities. After a few more weeks of being miserable, I made the decision to go on antidepressants. On May 30th to be exact, I began taking medications and hoped they would magically fix my life. Surprisingly, they actually seemed to work, day by day I slowly began to recover my old personality. I won't pretend like it was an overnight change, but it seems crazy to me that a little pill changed the course of my life within a few weeks. Now, I still didn't enjoy being back in Eagle Pass, but at least now it seemed more tolerable.

I was on a path to bettering myself, but unfortunately, my family appeared hellbent on keeping me miserable. I know I must sound like a bratty ungrateful child, but I ensure you that I am downplaying the relationship with my family. Not a day goes by without a comment on my ugly shoes, or my underweight body, or pretty much anything I do. And while I appreciate their constant nagging about as much as I need a bullet in my head, a person can only take so much. Now mix in an alcoholic father and homophobic uncles and grandparents, and you have the perfect suicide cocktail. Okay, maybe suicide is a bit extreme, but it's definitely on the table if these circumstances continue. Not only was I subjected to criticism at home, but since I live in a small suburban town (did I mention it's a primarily Hispanic community?) the criticism and dirty looks followed me just about anywhere I went.

June 2023

On June 4th, I decided to dye my hair blue- I feel the need to give a bit of context on my hair journey. Back in early October of last year, I was having a bit of a manic episode and decided to bleach my hair and go platinum blonde. As you might imagine, this did not go well. After about four bleaching sessions in my bathroom, my hair was a brassy orange and nowhere near platinum blonde. I was convinced that I looked gorgeous, but thankfully my followers on Instagram clarified that I was anything but a slay. A few days later, I box-dyed my hair a dark brown and went on with my life. As the months passed, the dark brown began to fade into light brown, and after a while my roots had more length than the dyed hair. So in late May, I decided to dye my hair black (my natural color). Unfortunately, I accidentally bought blue-black rather than normal black. I was upset at first, but it began to grow on me. Just as I was beginning to feel comfortable with my newly blue-black hair, it began to fade into an ugly grey/green (my hair was still bleached from the blonde attempt). I ran to the barber shop and cut off any trace of my bleached hair.

Now with my natural black hair, I felt as basic as a pumpkin spice latte. So I made the drastic decision to bleach my now virgin hair and go full blue. On June 4th I fell in love with myself once more. For the first time in a long time, I felt truly content with my appearance. Maybe it was the antidepressants or the confidence that comes with a hair transformation, but I was happy. This happiness of course took a few hits once my father began to criticize it, but at least everyone on Instagram loved it, and even at work everyone seemed to compliment me. A few days later, my manager reminded me that the dress code was against any hair color that was "unnatural" and said I needed to redye my hair black. I of course refused and instead bought a wig which I wore to work for almost a month. The Texas heat made wearing a wig unbearable and eventually I got fed up with it. A few days ago (about June 23rd) I decided to move back to Austin.

I wouldn't say that I decided to move to a different city because my workplace refused to allow my blue hair, but it was definitely a major factor in the decision. On Monday I made the decision, Tuesday I found an apartment for $500 a month, Friday I traveled to Austin to a showing of the apartment, and now I am moving in on Sunday. Call me irrational, hasty, or spontaneous, but I am 1000% certain that this move will better my life. I get to start fresh, begin a new chapter, and more importantly I get to keep my blue hair.

Hugs and Kisses,

Deeply Indigo.